A Final Fantasy Holiday Christmas Special
by Diathorn
Summary: The title says it all: A Final Fantasy Christmas Special. Hosted by Vincent Valentine and Kuja.


Since I might get sued if I don't do this, I don't any Final Fantasy character past, present or future. All things related to Final Fantasy belong to SquareEnix. I don't own Mastercard, any Christmas carols, Michaels, Mentos, Subway and all things that otherwise don't belong to me, etc. I'd like to thank my friends Kuro, LittleWashu, and Kaze for their help. I'd like to give Kuro a Dishonorable mention, LittleWashu for her beta-reading and allowing me to wander up and down Michaels looking for inspiration, and Kaze for her help on Kuja.  
  
Vincent: Welcome to "A Final Fantasy Holiday Christmas Special" hosted by me, Vincent Valentine, and...  
  
Kuja: Me, Kuja!  
  
Vincent: What? No last name?  
  
Kuja: Not for you insignificant one.  
  
Vincent: I hardly consider myself insignificant.  
  
Kuja: You are not Kuja therefore you are not significant!  
  
Vincent: Some well-structured logic from Kuja. Why did I take this job? The holiday season makes me so depressed.  
  
Kuja: I know what'll make you feel better!  
  
Vincent: A coffin where I might rest for a few decades and forget all about Christmas?  
  
Kuja: No silly. Christmas carols! I happen to have one already to go. Wanna hear?  
  
Vincent: Knock yourself out. I'm gonna go find a bottle to crawl into until after New Years.  
  
Kuja: Have fun! Maestro hit it!  
  
Kuja: I'm scheming of a red Christmas,  
  
Just like the ones I like to cause.  
  
Where those tree-tops smolder,  
  
And children listen  
  
To hear Black Mages in the snow.  
  
I'm scheming of a red Christmas,  
  
With every town I set alight  
  
May all your days be filled with worry and blight  
  
and may you not sleep at all at night.  
  
I'm scheming of a red Christmas,  
  
Just like the ones I love to cause.  
  
And to all you ladies and gents  
  
I'll just blast you out of existence  
  
Someone offstage pokes Vincent with a stick.  
  
Stagehand: Read the cue card.  
  
Vincent: Do I have to? Fine. Hey Kuja, I heard you scored your own Christmas Special. Tell the readers at home all about it. I'm going to go get a drink.  
  
Exit Vincent.  
  
Kuja: Alright Vincent, I'll tell you all about it. It's called "A Kuja Christmas." I'm starring of course. Do I have to read Vincent's lines?  
  
Director: If it'll chew up time go right ahead.  
  
Kuja: Vincent: Of course. Kuja: I don't want to give anything away, but it's based off of Charles Dickens classic book "A Christmas Carol." Plus some stuff that only people who read that stuff would be offended about.  
  
Director: Stick to the cue cards, leave wit to the funny people.  
  
Kuja: I am funny! Ultima!  
  
Kuja proceeds to destroy the director and maim several interns.  
  
Diathorn: We're gonna need a new director. And seeing as how no else is that suicidal, I'll do it! Roll that clip!  
  
Scene: Eighteenth-century England, winter-time. Camera zooms onto window, there is the sound of breaking glass and then the inside can be seen. The room is filled with filthy, dirty children, a few standouts include Vivi, Eiko, Relm, Gau, and Zidane on his knees. Kuja is pouring a bright purple gruel to the children. Zidane waddles over to Kuja with an empty bowl.  
  
Zidane: Please sir, can I have some more?  
  
Kuja: More? If I gave you more then everyone else would want more. Then Mary Queen of Scots would scream "Bloody murder" while she's being murdered and then I'd have a disgusting bloodstain on my robes that won't wash out, and then I'd have to beat you all to make up for it. Now do you want some more?  
  
Zidane: No. I'll be quiet now.  
  
Kuja: It's okay little Zidane. I'll just beat up on little Oliver Twist to make up for it. I'll mess him up like Tiny Tim. What? You didn't think his gimpy leg was an accident did you? I bit him, then I beat him with his walking stick. But instead of all that I think I'll just destroy England. Tootles.  
  
A flash of light and camera pulls out to show irritated Kuja trying to brush some ash off his robe in the middle of eighteenth-century, winter-time, post-nuclear attack, London/Big smoldering hole in the ground.  
  
Vincent: Wasn't that, interesting? Kuja? What are you doing?  
  
Kuja: I'm just hanging up the Garland. It's a Christmas tradition.  
  
Vincent: Not the way you're doing it.  
  
Garland: Oww! The staples are in the bones!  
  
Kuja: Shut up! (staples Garland's mouth shut)  
  
Vincent: I thinks all we can get away with for now. Go to commercial.  
  
Locke walks into a Michaels. Grabs a basket and walks down the aisles. Locke picks up a roll of ribbon and puts it in the basket.  
  
Announcer: Ribbon for Celes: $3.00.  
  
Locke wonders into the arts & craft section and spies a assortment of painting brushes.  
  
Announcer: Brushes for Relm: $4.50.  
  
Locke checks out the real old Halloween stuff.  
  
Announcer: Plastic skeleton for Umaro: (On sale) $2.50.  
  
Passing by, Locke spots a great deal on tiaras.  
  
Announcer: Tiaras for Terra and Cyan (gag gift): 2 for $14.95.  
  
Locke walks near the entrance of the store, throws a smoke bomb to one side and runs out.  
  
Announcer: Not having to use your Platinum MasterCard: Priceless.  
  
Kuja: Hey Garland? If you promise to behave, I'll remove the staples. Okay?  
  
Garland: Mphff!!  
  
Kuja: I'll take that as a yes. (Pries staples out of Garland's mouth)  
  
Garland: God dammit that hurt! As soon as I get off this wall I'll blast you into your component atoms! I'll rip out your soul and put in a jar!  
  
Kuja: If you're going to be ungrateful, Ultima! (Kuja proceeds to blast Garland, and the surrounding hall, into pieces.  
  
Kuja: I think that's a song cue! If I could have a little help from the Final Fantasy 7 Choir? Hit it!  
  
Kuja: Blast the halls with balls of fire   
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Vincent: Anyone looking to hire?  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Kuja: Don we now our gay apparel.  
  
All: Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la  
  
Barret: Troll the ancient Yuletide carol.  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la   
  
Red XIII: See the blazing set before us.  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Aeris: Wish you were here in place of us.   
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Tifa: Follow me in merry measure.  
  
All: Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la  
  
Yuffie: While I steal all the Yuletide treasure.  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Elena: Soon this job will be past us  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Reno: Then they'll throw us out on our asses  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la  
  
Cloud: Sing we under threats of violence  
  
All: Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la  
  
Reeve: Excuse me while I break for the fence  
  
All: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la   
  
Kuja: Need I say there's no escaping  
  
All: Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la  
  
Kuja: Now I think I'll start up shooting  
  
Rat-tat-tat-tat-ta tat-tat-tat-ta  
  
Vincent: While the on-site doctor takes a look at Reeve, I'll try to take Kuja's tommy gun.  
  
Kuja: Diathorn! Vincent is trying to take my gun away from me!  
  
Diathorn: Vincent don't you try to take Kuja's gun away from him.  
  
Vincent: He's shooting people.  
  
Diathorn: Hmm. Okay. If Kuja shoots you, you can shoot him back.  
  
Vincent: Thanks. Hopefully this will end soon. Now for a song by Yuffie.  
  
Yuffie: Thanks Vincey!  
  
Vincent pulls out Chibi-Vincent.  
  
Vincent: It's going to be a long night.  
  
Yuffie: I saw Aeris kissing Santa Cloud  
  
Underneath the mistletoe last night  
  
She didn't see me creep  
  
down the stairs like a thief;  
  
She thought I was under guard  
  
up in my room fast asleep  
  
Then  
  
I saw Aeris tickle Santa Cloud  
  
Underneath his beard so snowy white;  
  
Oh  
  
what a laugh it would have been  
  
If Tifa had only seen  
  
Aeris kissing Santa Cloud last night!  
  
Vincent: I don't feel like doing anything right now so go to commercial.  
  
Diathorn: You still have five minutes.  
  
Vincent pulls out the Death Penalty.  
  
Vincent: We're going to commercial.  
  
Diathorn: We're going to commercial.  
  
Sephiroth walks into a public library. While perusing through the books, he spots Quina Quen eating a cookbook.  
  
Quina: What? It's okay! Quina had Subway for lunch. Frog on hoagie, yummy!  
  
Sephiroth looks like he just got an idea.  
  
Later.  
  
Sephiroth: With this Black materia I shall summon Meteor and destroy the world!  
  
Cloud: You can't do that!  
  
Sephiroth: It's okay, I had Subway for lunch.  
  
Tifa: Dammit! He's right. How can we stop him now?  
  
Cloud thinks for a second and then pulls out a pack of Mentos and eats one.  
  
Background singers: It doesn't matter what comes,   
  
fresh goes better in life,   
  
and Mentos is fresh and full of life.   
  
Nothing gets to you, staying fresh staying cool,   
  
with Mentos, fresh and full of life.   
  
Fresh goes better, Mentos freshness,   
  
fresh goes better with Mentos, fresh and full of life!   
  
Mentos, the freshmaker!  
  
Sephiroth: God I hate that song! What was I doing?  
  
Cloud: You were about to hand over the Black Materia.  
  
Sephiroth: Seems kinda odd for me to do that, but what the hell.  
  
Background Singers: Mentos, the freshmaker!  
  
Sephiroth: That's it! You Mentos jerks die now!  
  
Kuja: Mass destruction, you gotta love it.  
  
Diathorn: Hey Kuja. I'm running low on ideas right now so we need to wrap it up for this season. Get Vincent for the finale.  
  
Vincent: I'm already here.  
  
Vincent staggers onto the set completely covered in lipstick marks.  
  
Kuja: What happened to you?  
  
Vincent: The horror, the sheer horror.  
  
Diathorn: What? What happened?  
  
Vincent: Mistletoe.  
  
Vincent falls to the ground and drops a snowglobe, shattering it.  
  
Kuja: Let's get to that finale.  
  
Diathron: Let's.  
  
Kuja: Oh the monster's power is frightful,   
  
escape is quite impossible,  
  
And since everything we've got's at stake,  
  
Limit Break! Limit Break! Limit Break!  
  
Cait Sith: Shin Ra shows no signs of stopping  
  
With Cloud heads will be a' popping,  
  
Just release your anger and hate,  
  
Limit Break! Limit Break! Limit Break!  
  
Quistus: When we really need a Limit  
  
And waiting will be death for sure  
  
With Aura we'll grin and bear it  
  
And we'll save ourselves a Cure  
  
Tidus: Sin is quite enormous,  
  
and we've got quite a quest before us,  
  
So we'll just cut Sin down to size,  
  
Overdrive? Overdrive?! Overdrive!  
  
Good [Appropiate Time-based Farewell]  
  
Leave a revue and please don't sue. 


End file.
